Sex Basics: Consent, Safe Sex, and Playing with Others

Learn the basics or grab a refresher on consent and safe sex 101.

Many people go through life having only sex education from their school – which typically doesn’t cover anything more than what sex is, what condoms are, or to just avoid sex entirely. You can help yourself and others by educating yourself so you can have fun having sex while being safe and making sure others have fun too. Here’s the essentials you need to know:

Consent:

Consent is where you obtain permission from someone before doing something (by asking them), in this situation it’s getting permission and understanding that the other person is ok with you doing something sexual with them.

Ask First: Consent is key to a safe, enjoyable experience. Make sure both people are on the same page, and remember that consent can be taken back anytime. How to get consent is literally by asking the other person if they are ok to do/try [the thing/action/kink].
Respect Boundaries: If your partner isn’t comfortable, respect that. Don’t push or pressure them.
Keep Checking In: During play, check in with each other to make sure everything’s still good. If either of you feels unsure, pause and talk to each other to decide if you want to continue or not. People can withdraw their consent at anytime.
Consent needs to be given without the influence of drugs or alcohol: To give consent properly, and legally, the other person should not be affected or have consumed drugs or alcohol. It’s common people can be affected by these things, so the best option is to get consent beforehand, otherwise use your best judgement – or simply don’t.

For more details including some good examples of what it DOES and DOES NOT look like: https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent.

Safewords:

Discuss Boundaries and Safewords:

Talk About Fantasies and Limits: Before starting, discuss what you want to try, your fantasies, and any boundaries you have with your other sexual partner. Get them to share their interests and boundaries too.
Use Safewords: Agree on safe words like “stop” or “no”. You may also come across the traffic light system, so it’s good to know what it means: “red” means stop, “yellow” means check in, and “green” means all good. Some people add “blue” for medical emergencies. People say these colors out loud which represent those meanings. Look up “BDSM traffic light system safe words” on Google to learn more.

Practicing Safe (and comfortable) Sex

Safer sex practices – barrier methods (various condoms, and dental dams) you can use for safer sex.
Image courtesy of Healthline

Using Protection: Condoms, Gloves and Dental Dams help protect against STIs (and where applicable: pregnancy)

Use Condoms / Dental Dams: They’re one of the best tools for STI protection. Decide if you and your sexual partners will use these when having sex before you start being sexual – so you can decide while you are thinking straight. If you are unsure, use protection! Learn more about using condoms / dental dams and how they protect against STIs.
Use Gloves for Fingering and Fisting (anally/vaginally): Use medical grade disposable gloves, and only use the gloves once. Gloves protect you and your partner, especially during more intense play by helping protect against your nails (you should cut them short first however!) and act like a condom for your hands to protect against infections and cuts. Gloves however are not actual condoms – so use an actual condom for any sex with a penis involved.
If you’re using protection – Check Lube Compatibility: Some types of lube can break down condoms. Water-based lube is usually safe, but check the lube packaging if you want to use silicon or oil based lubes with condoms – these could break the condom!

You can buy condoms and gloves at gas stations, supermarkets, and chemists/pharmacies. Sexual health clinics may offer free condoms and dental dams.

Some people are allergic to latex (used for some gloves, and most condoms) – check with the other person or test them out first.

For more on dental dams, condoms, and protecting against STIs, read our summary on Safe Sex and STI Prevention.

Use Lube (use a lot of it):

Why Lube?: It makes everything feel smoother, reduces friction, and helps avoid pain or injury. It’s important to use lots of lube when having sex, especially anal sex. If you’re new to a type of lube, patch test it on your arm to make sure you’re not allergic (wait a few minutes to see if you get a rash or reaction, if not you should be ok).
Check Toy Compatibility: Silicone lube can break down silicone toys, so make sure to use the right kind of lube with your toys (usually this is water based lube). Silicon lubes can’t be used with silicon sex toys, and oil lubes vary – check the packaging of your lube or search online for what it can and cannot be used on.

Get tested for sexual infections:

When you have sex, you should get tested for sexual infections (known as STIs: Sexually Transmitted Infections) afterwards, especially if you did it with a new person. Not all STIs are visible – you can catch them without knowing, that’s why it’s important to get tested.

Regular STI Testing:

Get Tested Regularly: Testing every 3 months, or after each new partner, is a good rule. Not all STIs show symptoms, so testing is the only way to be sure. Full screenings (blood test, throat swab, anal swab, and urine sample) are recommended. Ask your doctor or health professional for what they offer and recommend.
Where can you get tested?: In the United States, find a nearby testing location with the CDC’s GetTested site at https://gettested.cdc.gov/. If you live in another country, search ‘STI testing near me’ on Google.

For more STI information, visit the CDC at https://www.cdc.gov/std/ or WHO at https://www.who.int/health-topics/sexually-transmitted-infections.

Know what PrEP is

PrEP is for HIV Prevention: People who are on PrEP are being extra responsible!

Consider PrEP: PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) is a medication that reduces the risk of HIV by up to 99%. It’s recommended for people who have sex with lots of other people, or people who want extra protection. PrEP doesn’t protect against other STIs, so regular STI testing is still needed, but it protects against HIV – one of the biggest killers of gay men in the past.
You can only use PrEP by a doctor’s prescription, and it only works if you don’t already have HIV. If you already have HIV, see your doctor for treatment options. It’s possible to stop the spread of HIV to others (known as U=U, undetectable and untransmittable), but you need to take medication and other instructions from your doctor.
Getting PrEP: Visit your GP, sexual health clinic, or search online to get more info on PrEP. Each country has different options, including telehealth services.

Now that you’re armed with these safe sex tips, feel free to enjoy yourself responsibly. And remember, solo play can be fun too—no need to worry about getting STIs if you’re playing solo!

Further Resources and Reading:

With these resources, you’re all set to stay safe, have fun, and keep your health in check.

If you have any questions, consult your doctor or a medical professional!